Patrice O'Neal

I’m not gonna front (like a lot of people did after he passed) like me and patrice were BFF’s. But, we were friends…pretty good friends. It would be ridiculous for me to sit here and try to chronicle the entirety of my friendship with patrice. That’d be the equivalent of making your friends sit through a slideshow of your vacation photos; there’re a couple of really cool ones, but for the most part, it’s stuff that’s really only interesting to you.

But, I feel like saying something about him.

So, I’ll just tell the story of how we met.

Because I think it’s this, more than anything else, that kinda sums it all up perfectly.

It was early 2006…I remember it was’nt quite warm yet, it was still kinda brisk, so I’m guessing it was march or april. I was in new york, at an audition for a burger king commercial. (we auditioned in groups of 4…you know who auditioned with me? this guy…)

http://youtu.be/30YW3wgRvyI

When I was done and emerged from the studio back out into the waiting area, who was standing there but mr. patrice o’neal himself…in his trademark fedora and long black leahter coat, talking on the phone to his manager…loudly. (which no one ever does…actors waiting to audition are almost always quiet, keeping to themselves, memorizing their lines and whatnot, so it was SO out-of-place for this big nigga to be standing in the middle of the waiting area loudly talking on the phone) We looked at each other, and we each had instant recognition of the other. (I was a big fan of his from ‘tough crowd’ and ‘web junk’) He got a wry lil’ smile on his face and said; “what’s up, nigga”, in that quiet way people do when they’re on the phone. I chuckled and we shook hands. I was actually super flattered that he knew who I was. He hung up with his manager and asked me; “you here for the burger king commercial too? Where’s the sign in sheet? Which studio is it?”, because frankly, he just could’nt be bothered with all those formalities, he just wanted to get in & out. After I showed him where everything was, he said to me; “what’re you doin’ after this?” I told him I had nothing else going on, I was just gonna go back home. He said; “wait for me.” So I did. When he came out of the audition, he was back on the phone with his manager again…which means, her had already called the dude before he even left the studio! I distinctly remember him saying; “did they call for me specifically? Or was this just an open audition? [pause] …don’t call me for no shit like this anymore, I don’t wanna be goin’ out on regular ol’ auditions, only send me out if they call you and tell you they specifically want me!” I remember shaking my head and chuckling, and thinking to myself; “wow…the balls on this guy!”, but, at the same time, I genuinely admired the balls on this guy. He hangs up and says to me; “you hungry?” “Always” I replied. He said; “let’s go get something to eat.”

And that was that. We were friends.

No foreplay. No hanging-out-and-getting-to-know-each-other-over-time.

Bam. Friends.

We left the building and hopped into his suv which was parked right out front on the street…which amazed me…I just don’t ever think of NYC as the type of city where you can park on the street…I don’t know why. We went to this authentic brazillian steakhouse…I don’t remember the name of it, all I remember is, it was right across a plaza from the office building where roc-a-fella records headquarters is. (we ran into doug e. fresh as he was leaving the building) When we walked in, the owner greeted patrice like they were old friends…literally…not the pomp & circumstance with which they usually greet a celebrity, just the casual, genuine, friendly greeting you’d give your buddy if you ran into him on the street. As he walked us back to our table, he was telling patrice that “all the arrangements had been taken care of.” Anyone who knows patrice knows there was a time when he used to go to brazil at least twice a year. Apparently, this guy had friends back home in brazil who would hook patrice up with a villa on the beach whenever he went went down. A good chunk of our conversation over lunch was patrice trying to convince me to go to brazil with him…regaling me with tales of how “you can live like a king…A KING…for 2 weeks on $250 dollars, american!” at some point patrice asked me if I knew who robert kelly was, and told me that he was going to join us.

http://comedians.jokes.com/robert-kelly

Soon after that, robert showed up. I had never met him, but I was familiar with him too from his TV appearances. (sidenote: for some reason, it turned out to be “pick on scott day” for robert…from almost the moment he sat down, he fucked with me about every little thing; my shoes, the way I walked, things I said…the best way I can describe it is; I was the new guy and he was hazing me…I don’t think it was malicious, but it was just so non-stop, I was like “WTF???” …fat, bald little fucker…) This was my first real brazillian restaurant, so patrice had to school me on the rules & procedures. We ate and talked for close to 2 hours. When we were done, I went for my wallet, but patrice motioned for me to put it away….the bill was taken care of…it was on the house. Pretty cool. So we left the restaurant, walked back to the car, stopping at a couple stores on the way, and it was fun watching patrice and robert being “funny guys” fucking with the clerks behind the counter. Patrice dropped off robert, then asked me if I minded riding with him to go pick up his girl, who was getting off work or something. So I rode with him to pick his girl up, and, once she got in the car, it was all about her…not in a bad way, he did’nt ignore me, he still included me in the conversation, he was just being an attentive boyfriend, talking to his girl about her day. It was kinda sweet - in a patrice o’neal kind of way. (I doubt if she’d remember me even if she read this, I was just some dude in the back seat many years ago) He dropped me off at the train station, we gave each other daps, and I was on my way.

Here’s the thing.

That whole time…we never once talked about “the business.”

We just shot the shit. Like you do when you hang out with your boys. And it did’nt even hit me until later. And I think that’s what really made the biggest impression on me. Here we were, 2 guys who’s only real connection was show business, and when we met, we were just so instantly comfortable with each other, show business never even entered the conversation.

Patrice and I hung out countless times after that. And had countless conversations. Some stuff he said to me I will never forget. If you’ve ever seen his stand-up, then you know one thing about him…the brother is deep. Sure, on the surface, he just seems raunchy and outrageous, but, if you really listen, there’s a pretty impressive brain at work.

The funny thing is; when he and I first met, I had never seen his stand-up. I had only seen his work on TV shows. Later that year, around fall of 2006, HBO aired his “half hour comedy hour.” To say I was blown away would be an understatement. I immediately called him and raved; “nigga, I had no idea you were funny like THAT!!!” he immediately shot into my top 3 stand-up comedians (alongside bill burr and patton oswalt) Then there was the time when he was on “green room with paul provenza” and he absolutely owned the room!!! which was no small feat considering the other comedians on the panel were sandra bernhard, rosanne barr, and bob saget.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4M_NAV0IU0

I left him a message after the show raving about his performance. He called me back and thanked me, but he was uncharacteristically somber. He said he actually felt kinda bad, like he was being a bully, or overbearing, or somehow disrespectful to the other comedians. I assured him that was in no way the case, and totally did not come across like that on TV. He said it made him feel better to hear that. But that’s just how powerful a comedic mind he has…it does’nt matter who else is in the room, he’s going to speak his mind and when he does, he’s going to dominate.

There was a period of time when I did’nt hear from patrice. He did’nt answer my calls or texts. So I left it alone, figuring that maybe our friendship had simply run it’s course. It happens. But then one night I got a message from my buddy mike saying; “saw patrice tonight, he wants you to call him, here’s his new number.” After that, on a whim, I checked my old yahoo email, and sho’nuff, there were emails from patrice via my old myspace page (both of which I had’nt used in years).

He invited me to come to the taping of “elephant in the room”, but for some reason, I could’nt make it. Now I really, really wish I had.

Patrice O’neal is one of the most intellectual, philosophical, raunchy, raw, and gut-bustingly hilarious people I have ever known. And it makes me happy to be able to say; “yeah, that’s my boy.”

And it still makes me really sad whenever I think about the fact that he’s not here anymore…

the "velvet mafia" (as kathy griffin would say; "allegedly")

Not to brag, but, it became apparent pretty quickly that I had kinda become the "break out star” of the commercials. (paul used to say; “we like it when we go places without you, we can kinda be incognito, but as soon as people see your big lightblub head…”) And so, my manager, mark, was fielding calls from TV & movie people who were making offers. For example...
A) one of the producers on "black hawk down" wanted me for the role of "kurth" (but he got overruled, because they wanted "a more seasoned actor" -- like gabriel casseus)
B) mike epps had a sitcom deal with UPN, and they wrote me into the show as mike's best friend (they even called the character "scott" in the script)

C) after the first season, ABC only wanted one host for the "best commercials" show, so they dropped paul & fred and offered the gig to me.

D) and, in one of the cooler moments of my career; I was offered the role of DL’s brother on “the hughleys” …it’s a pretty cool story …earlier that day, we had done a table-read at UPN for a sitcom we were shopping …later that night around 9, I got a call in my hotel room, it was judith weiner, VP of casting at UPN …she told me that even though they were going to pass on the sitcom, everybody at the meeting loved me, and she wanted to offer me a role on DL’s show, she said I’d be perfect to play DL’s wild & crazy younger brother who comes to live with them …she asked me if it was something I’d be interested in doing, and before she could get the words out her mouth I was yelling “hell yes!!!” …she told me to report to the studio the next morning for a screen test, but assured me it was merely a formality, the role was mine …I hung up the phone, elated …I got up early the next morning, and my phone rang around 8am, it was judith again, she said there was a problem …you see, a couple of months earlier, me and the guys had signed a development deal with paramount TV, which basically meant they owned us for 1 year and we could’nt go off and work on any other TV shows …so, unless I could get them to let me out of my contract, UPN couldn’t hire me …I was confused “…is’nt UPN a part of paramount? can’t you talk to them?”, i asked her… “I tried, but they won’t budge…see if you can work something out, but if not, I can’t offer you the role, I’m really sorry”, she told me …I had mark talk to paramount, and their response was; if I paid them back all the money they put out for my holding deal then I could leave …my deal was for $100,000, and they’d already paid me $50,000 upfront …which I might have been able to scrape together, but it would’ve broken me, so I let it go (plus, I also had a small twinge of guilt about “breaking up the band” and going solo without paul & fred) …in retrospect, I wish i would’ve done it …I still had money coming in from the commercials and appearances, so I would’ve made it back, plus, I would’ve been working on a network TV show, and the experience might’ve opened some awesome doors for me …but alas, hindsight is 20/20 …UPN ended up giving the role to adele givens -- instead of DL’s brother, they turned it into the wife’s wisecracking sister ...but, like they say; “it’s an honor just to be nominated.”

but all of that is just backstory… let’s move on…

(by the way: for the rest of the story, I am not going to use the real names of the people/places involved... just because, well, you never know... )

For anyone who does’nt know, when people say the “velvet mafia”, this is what they’re talking about… it’s common knowledge that for most of hollywood’s history, almost all of the power positions (studio heads, network presidents, executives, producers, etc) were held by jews. But, over the last couple of decades, when you talk to anyone in the business, they all talk about how gay men have quietly been taking over many of those power positions. Hence; “the gay mafia”, or “the velvet mafia”. (Disclaimer: I'm not implying that it's a good or bad thing or that anyone really gives a shit, I'm simply saying, that's what’s been going on behind the scenes, that's all)

Now, to his credit, mark had A LOT of connections in the entertainment biz. and through those connections he got me a meeting with Mr. X, the head of casting for one of the big TV networks. When we arrive for the meeting, we're told that Mr. X won’t be in today, so instead, we would be meeting with Mr. Y, the VP of casting. Hey, no biggie, meeting the VP is still pretty big deal, right? Almost immediately, it’s pretty clear that Mr. Y is gay...or, at the very least; extremely effeminate. (“not that there’s anything wrong with it!”) He kinda reminded me of a young, much more subdued, charles nelson riley (minus the glasses). He was cordial, but not overly excited to meet me. (not saying he should have been, just describing his demeanor) His attitude seemed to be "ok, why are you here and what do you want from me?" I begin engaging him in conversation (I was always very good "in the room", it’s one of the very rare times in life when my encyclopaedic knowledge of TV & movies not only comes in handy, but it’s actually seen as impressive), and pretty soon, he's loosening up…we're joking, laughing and having a very pleasant chat. At some point in the conversation I mentioned that I'm a HUGE fan of “Cop Drama” -- one of the hit shows on his network. I said something to effect of; I'm such a big fan that I'd be honored just to play a corpse with no lines. I also made the remark; “I'd do anything to be on the show.” He paused for a moment, looked at me and said; "anything?" "anything", i repeated...totally oblivious. It was'nt until he said; "really...?" -- in that way -- that I started to panic a little. I remember shooting a look over at mark, but he just gave me the ol' hey-don't-look-at-me shrug. (bastard) Without another word, Mr. Y picks up his office phone, hits a button and says; “could you come in here for a minute, there’s someone I think you should meet”, then hangs up, and says; “it’ll be just a minute.” I have no clue what we’re waiting for, and we’re just sitting there for a few moments not saying anything. Pretty soon, this guy comes walking into the office -- we’ll call him Mr. Z -- a short-ish, chubby-ish, bald, brown-skinned, young fellow with glasses. If someone would’ve told me he was al roker’s younger brother I totally would’ve believed it. He’s looking down at a clipboard and flipping through some papers. I stand up to greet him, and his trajectory is bringing him right toward me. As he’s walking and looking down at the clipboard he says; “what’s so important that you needed me to…”, he stops when he realizes there’s something in front of him. I’m standing there smiling, he looks at my face, looks me up & down, looks back up at my face, holds out his hand and says; “well…hello.” From behind me I hear Mr. Y chuckle and say; “I thought you’d like him.” He then says to Mr. Z; “you might recognize scott from the busweiser commercials…he was just telling me how he’s a huge fan of ‘cop drama’ and would do anything to be on the show.” Mr. Z looks at me and says; “anything?” -- in that way -- I blush and say; “yeah…I guess I did kinda say that.” Mr. Y then tells me that Mr. Z is in charge of casting for “Cop Drama”, so if anyone could get me on the show, it would be him. Mr. Z chit-chats with me briefly, asks me a couple of questions, like when I’d be back on the east coast and such, then leaves. Mark and I continue talking with Mr. Y, who by this point has taken such a shine to me, that he says; “hey, do you want to meet janet jackson?” “um…hell yes!”, I reply without hesitation. He tells me that she’s just across the lot in one of the studios, taping “Late Night Talk Show”, and if we hurry we can catch her. So we leave the offices and speed-walk across the backlot. Now, don’t get too excited…it’s pretty anti-climactic. We get to the studio, Mr. Y tells the stage hands he wants to introduce me to janet, but they tell us that we JUST missed her, her limo had just pulled off a couple of minutes ago. So, mark and I exchange a few pleasantries with Mr. Y then we leave. (this was right around the time when janet was going through her “I’m really enjoying being single and dating” phase, and when I heard she had accepted a date from that radio DJ who asked her out on-air, and then she got engaged to jermaine dupree, I was like; “damnnit!!! That coulda been ME dating janet jackson!!!”)

Fast forward a couple days. I’m still in LA, at my hotel with my girlfriend who I flew in from philly. My phone rings. It’s somebody from “Cop Drama”…they told me that Mr. Z called them and told them to get me an audition!!! They wanted to know if I was going to be in NYC that Tuesday… I told them I’d make it my business to be there!!! So I cancelled my plans in LA and booked us a flight back to philly. A script was waiting for me when I got back to my apartment… I was reading for the role of a nightclub bouncer who gets questioned by the detectives, so I would’ve been in a scene with the stars of the show. I was ecstatic!!! And how fucking cool was that!!! Mr. Z totally hooked me up… and he did’nt even ask for a handjob or anything!!! Alas, I wish I had a better end for the story. I went to the audition, and even though it was one the coldest rooms I’d ever been in (everybody was just kinda stoic, sitting there looking at me with stone faces), I left feeling ok about my performance. But I did’nt get it. I’ve since seen the episode, and the guy they hired looked to be around 6’3”, dark-skinned with dreads…so, physically, I definitely was not what they were looking for. (because, honestly, his performance was nothing special -- which is something I rarely say, I don’t hate on actors who beat me for roles, there have been plenty of times when I’ve admitted an actor did way better than I would’ve done -- just not this time). And maybe Mr. Z might have tried to collect on his favor if I’d actually gotten the part. Who knows. But, that was my first, and to date only, experience with the so-called “velvet mafia.” And all things considered… it was’nt that bad…

That Lizard HATES Me.

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com

little known fact… back when anheuser-bush first bought the idea for the “whassup!” commercials, their sole intention was to use it as part of their new “ethnic” campaign, and that’s all. you see, the biggest problem that budweiser has (and this comes straight from the mouths of A-B executives) is that budweiser is known as the “bubba beer”…ie; it’s the beer of rednecks & ”good ol’ boys” (if we ever wanted to make the A-B execs heads explode, all we had to do was say “bubba-beer”). and that’s the one major image problem they’d been wanting to change for years, so when they were approached with the “whassup” concept, they jumped on it, seeing it as the spearhead (no pun intended) for an all new ethnic campaign aimed at the “urban” market, hoping that it would make bud cool to black folks (that same year, they also launched a budweiser campaign aimed at the latino market, featuring carlos mencia). so, when we were invited to attend the anheuser-bush national convention in early 2000, and they did their big presentation, showcasing the new ad campaigns for the coming year, and we saw that our commercials were being touted as the new ethnic campaign, we all looked at each other like; “huh? what the?” we all just assumed we’d be a regular ol’ budweiser commercial…not relegated to some ethnic slot that would probably only air on BET during the soul train awards. but hey, we had national commercials on the air, so we weren’t complaining. and the showcase made it clear that bud fully intended to continue using “the liazrds” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS3op_7QViY) -- who were still very popular -- as their dominant mainstream ad campaign.

jump ahead one year. our commercials are now a full-blown, mainstream phenomenon…to A-B’s utter chagrin. the commercials are wildly popular and beloved by everyone…especially white folks. The A-B execs never expected this, and they weren’t really sure how to handle it (because, as i‘ve talked about before, it was a MAJOR problem that their flagship brand; Budweiser - the all american beer - was being represented by 4 young black guys). so, this time when we attend the national convention, and they did the showcase where they presented the new ad campaigns for the coming year, the “whassup!” commercials are now the center-piece. we are the dominant, mainstream ad campaign for the company…to thunderous applause from all the anheuser-bush executives and wholesalers.

problem was… nobody told the lizards.

after the presentation ended, and everybody was filing into the convention center for the expo, we ran into danny & paul…the actors who did the voices of the lizards. danny (“frankie“) was really cool, he happily shook our hands and congratulated us on all our success. But paul (“louie“) …he stood back and wanted nothing to do with us. he was visibly pissed, and even when i walked up to him to say hello & shake hands, he just turned his back and shunned me. i was equal parts angry (because he disrespected me) and bemused (because this grown-ass man was acting like such a little bitch). i, uh, think i might have *cough* made some kind of…um, comment…about wanting to slap the shit outta him. danny was embarrassed, and apologized to us for the way paul was acting. he told us that they were both just a little stunned, because A-B never told either of them that they were going to be phased out and that “whassup” was replacing the lizards…they only found out a few minutes ago when they saw the presentation. looking back, i can totally understand why paul would be pissed…if i had been doing a job for several years, and just found out that i was, in effect, being demoted, and found out in such an un-cool way…i’d probably be really, really pissed off too. i just don’t think i’d be such a dick to to the new guy, who really didn’t do anything to me personally.

jump ahead a few months. i was in NYC for an audition, and afterward i stopped by my agency. i’m sitting at my agent’s desk, shootin’ the shit, when i happen to see someone familiar sitting at one of the other desks. it was paul. i ask my agent what he’s doing there, and she tells me; “paul‘s been one of our client‘s for years!” what??? that son-of-a-bitch…he’s with MY agency??? she asks why i’m so perturbed, and i tell her the story. she says she’s shocked because paul is usually so nice. well, apparently, he sees me talking about him (probably because i was pointing and looking directly at him while making the meanest of mean-mugs). eventually he comes walking toward us. i stand up, ready to curse him the fuck out if he shows me the slightest hint of attitude. but instead, he holds his hand out to shake. i just look at his hand, then at him. my agent sits at her desk, just looking at us, not sure what to do. paul lowers his hand, then lowers his head and sighs. he says to me; “hey man, i apologize. i acted really shitty that day. i was just angry, that whole thing took me by surprise and i took it out on you guys. but it was‘nt your fault. i should‘nt have done that.” and with that, i was totally cool. We shook hands and all was well. My agent let out a sigh of relief, and a little nervous laugh.

epilogue. some time later, i was at a sound studio in NYC for an audition for a radio commercial. i’m at the front desk signing in, when a lil’ guy who looked like an older george costanza comes up to me, shakes my hand and says; “i have some people you need to meet”, doesn’t let go of my hand, and pulls me away. i look back at the receptionist like “wtf?”, and she just laughs and waves bye-bye. he takes me into the back, through the hallway, over to one of the studios, opens the door, and points to the recording booth. it was danny & paul. they were there recording some new radio spots for bud (up until then, i didn’t know which guy did which lizard, and it was both cool and weird seeing the lizard voices coming out of their heads). he then gets on the microphone, interrupting their take, and says; “gentlemen, look who i‘ve got here!” they look up, see it’s me, and erupt into laughter…danny says; “hey, it‘s the guy who took our job!” we all laugh. the little guy slaps me on the back, excuses himself and leaves the room. danny & paul take a break, come out into the lounge, and the 3 of us laugh & talk for a while…busting each other’s balls, bitching about anheuser-bush, swapping stories, etc. it was fun. they’re both really cool dudes. eventually they had to get back to work, and i went back out to the lobby to re-sign-in for my audition. i asked the receptionist who that little guy was. She said; ”he‘s the owner of the studio! when he saw you, he thought it’d be funny to have the whassup guy meet the lizards!” …and that man turned out to be vladamir putin. ok, not really, but how awesome would that have been?

Jay Leno...

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com

...i know a lot of folks feel some kind of way about jay leno… after that whole thing with letterman back in the 90’s, and then again with conan a couple years ago. And, yeah, maybe that stuff does kinda make him look like a dick. But, I gotta tell ya’, in my experience, Jay leno was one of the coolest people I met.

...here’s a couple of quick jay stories.

so, me and the guys were in atlanta making an appearance at some expo, when our publicist, bill (“boom boom”), comes to us very excited and tells us that we need to leave immediately, we’re booked on a flight leaving that night…because we’re going to be on the tonight show, and we needed to be in LA the next day!!! (they require that any out-of-town guests are in town by 5pm the day before the show, as insurance that they won’t no-show) So we go back to our hotel, pack up, and head to the airport. heather kozar - playboy playmate of the millennium - was tagging along with us, apparently she was headed back to the playboy mansion or something (she - along with cindy margolis and brooke burke - was under contract with anheuser-bush at the time so she was at the expo with us). She and I had become buddies at the expo, we sat next to each other and talked the whole way...except for when she fell asleep, nestled snugly on my shoulder. (it’s the little things) But I digress…

We get to LA, check-in to our hotel, and boom-boom tells us that since we did’nt get to go home first, and since we were notorious for only packing casual wear when we traveled, he’s gonna take us shopping in the morning, on budweiser’s credit card. (awwwe-sooome!!!) So, the next day, after breakfast, we head over to macy’s and pick out some outifts (can anyone say “80’s movie music montage”?), and we heard over to the NBC studios in burbank.

We’re met at the studio by laurane - the publicist who got us the appearance, and steve & tracy - the producers handling our segment. They show us to our dressing rooms… there were placards on the doors with our names and the tonight show logo, and pretty sweet gift baskets with ‘tonight show’ coffee mugs, baseball caps, t-shirts, etc… which, to me, was just the coolest thing ever. (i had always heard the guests on talk shows make jokes about the gift baskets, and now, here i am, getting one!) And then, like a bunch of kids on a field trip, we start milling around, checking things out, going in rooms we probably should’nt have gone in, touching things we probably should’nt have been touching. During all this, we noticed something; the dressing rooms at the tonight show were kinda like your grandparent’s house; nice, but, everything’s just a little… old… dingy. Eventually we settle back into our dressing rooms, we’re standing around shootin’ the shit, when jay comes walking in. We all burst into a big “HEY!”, and crowd around him, shaking hands, totally geeking out like fans. “Hey fellas! Good to meet you guys! We’re all really excited to have you on the show! Thanks for coming!”, he says, in that jay leno voice. We introduce ourselves, and engage in some friendly banter. Then, from out of nowhere, paul speaks up and says; “hey jay…you know, we have been on A LOT of tv shows, and, we’ve seen A LOT of dressing rooms, and, I gotta tell ya’, this, by far…is the CRAPPIEST dressing room i’ve seen yet.” Me, fred, and chuck stopped breathing… in our minds we were all totally freaking out, like; “OH SHIT!!! NO HE DID’NT!!!” but, without missing a beat, jay immediately snaps back; “yeah, I know, I’m really sorry about that guys… but, you see... we keep the REALLY nice dressing rooms downstairs for our WHITE guests… we’ve got a chef carving roast beef, butlers serving champagne…” at that moment we all erupted with laughter… and we knew jay leno was cool as shit. (i mean, we all know paul, and totally get his sense of humor, but, we had no idea if jay was gonna take it as a joke… lucky for paul, jay totally got it too… side-note: when i went into make-up, the make-up chick said to me; “I hear jay stopped by your dressing room to say hi… wow… he must really like you guys, he almost never does that!”)

About a year later, i was back at NBC for a meeting. After the meeting, i went over to the tonight show studio and asked if i could say hi to jay. The stage manager said; “absolutely! Just wait here in the wings, he’s doing the post-show wrap-up right now, he’ll just be a few minutes.” The band sees me waiting and waves me over, so I’m shootin’ the shit with kevin eubanks and the band while jay signs autographs and takes pictures, which he apparently does after every show. At some point he looks over and sees me, smiles & waves, and gives me the “wait a minute” finger-signal. I turn back and continue talking with the band. A couple minutes later, I feel someone slap me on my back…hard. I bark; “motherfucker, I’m about whoop somebody’s ass…” as I turn around. Of course it was jay. We shoot the shit for a little bit… i don’t remember about what, i just remember thinking how cool it all was… cool that i was able to just stroll up to the tonight show and get backstage, and cool that jay leno remembered me and came over to talk to me.

But, you know what the one thing is that I remember most vividly whenever i think about jay leno? His head. Jay leno has a REALLY big head. (in the business, they call it “TV head”)

Bernie Mac

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com

just finished watching the comedy central special, a tribute to bernie mac.

it got me a little nostalgic, so, i figured i’d write down my memories of bernie.

it’s the spring of 2003. chuck calls me, he wants me to audition for a role in the new movie he’s directing; “mr. 3000”. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0339412/

long story short… i did’nt get the role chuck called me for (“boca", the best friend), but i ended up getting another role (“eddie” the trainer), and i’m glad i did… i got a whole lotta exposure from that role. so, come july, i fly out to new orleans for the start of my 3 weeks of work.

this was my first feature film. my scene with bernie was the very first scene to be shot, so it was the first day on set for the cast & crew. it’s 7am, we’re in the gym of some college which had been set-designed to look like the training room for the milwaukee brewers (why they did’nt just shoot the whole thing in milwaukee, i still don’t know). bernie comes in with his “entourage” (script supervisor, personal assisstant, personal trainer…he’d lost 40 lbs for the role). the first thing that struck me was; bernie was freakin’ tall (6’4”), and his teeth… they were SUPER white, i mean, almost luminescent. it was both weird and transfixing. (is that a word?)

the two of us walk toward location 1 for the first shot, chuck starts to introduce us, bernie, with a big smile, says; “i know who this is, this is your boy, mr. whassup!” i did what I always did in those situations… deflect. (i was always extremely modest about that stuff, and easily embarrassed) we shake hands, and, as we shake, i grip his hand really tight, look him dead in the eye, and say; “you have some lovely hands…do you moisturize?” he’s a little taken aback, and just looks at me like; “what the…?” chuck has no clue what i’m doing and just stands silent… probably more than a little tense. i continue; “do you use aloe vera? You know, ideally, we should all wear gloves to bed at night…” then you see the light of recognition come across bernie’s face… he realizes i’m doing his lines from “ocean’s 11”. he begins to chuckle and says; “oh ok, i see…so, that’s how you want it to be? you sure you wanna go there?” i immediately back down; “no, no, no…you win, i surrender.” i did not want to get into a joke war with bernie mac. but that’s how it began; with a joke, and with bernie being a really good sport. and he could’nt’ve been a more gracious and accommodating actor to work with. he gave me all the room i needed to work, and if i was funny, he’d laugh, and tell me i was funny… which a lot of actors/comedians won’t do… their egos won’t allow them to. there was absolutely no ego about him, and he was so goddamn personable. that night the producers threw a “first night” party on the roof of a hotel in the french quarter. for the entire last half of the night, bernie and i were at a table by ourselves, talking, telling stories… mostly about our adventures coming up in rough neighborhoods. oh, and, pro-wrestling… he and i were both huge fans of old-school pro-wrestling, so we kinda bonded over that too. (i actually pulled a wrestling-based prank on bernie… he told me he was a big fan of “macho man randy savage”, well, so was i, and i used to do a pretty impressive macho man impersonation, so, one day i called bernie’s cell at a time when i knew he could'nt answer and had “macho man” leave him a message; “my veeeery good friend scott told me you’re a big fan of mine, uh huh, yeeeah, well, i’m a big fan of your work too, brother!” etc, etc… the next morning when i got to set, he came up to me, all smiles; “yo man, your boy macho called me yesterday…he told me what you said…thank you, that was cool!” …he gushed about that for a bit, telling the crew how i got the 'macho man' to call him …he was so tickled-pink that i never had the heart to tell him that it was me) at some point during our conversation, he turned to his agent and said; “i like this guy, i think you should talk to him” (pointing at me), then bernie wrote down all of his phone numbers on a napkin: office, home, fax, cell …and told me to call him anytime, and keep in touch with him. (i still have that napkin to this day…i used scotch tape to ghetto-laminate it) after the party was over, as chuck was driving me back to my hotel, he said to me; “man, i looked at you sitting there talking to him like that, and i was just like; ‘damn…how does he do that?’ …i would never have the balls to just walk up and start talking to someone like that …i really admire that about you.” but bernie was cool like that…we just got along.

besides that party, bernie never went out. at the end of the day, he’d go back to his hotel. he might go out for dinner or something, but, he never hit the bars & clubs like we did. the day after that (very) minor altercation in the strip-club [see previous story], when i got on set the next morning, the first person to greet me was bernie, busting my balls; “i heard you let some little white boy whoop yo’ ass at the club last night!” after having a little fun at my expense, he said to me; “see, that’s why i don’t go out…if you don’t go out, you can’t get in trouble.” but then he came in real close, and very quietly spoke to me... he commended me on holding back and not escalating the situation by starting a brawl… ”because then we’d be coming to git ‘cho ass outta jail!”

whenever i was’nt shooting, or just hanging around on location with nothing to do, i’d often go to bernie’s trailer, and we’d just chill and shoot the shit. he always made me feel welcome, he never shooed me away or acted like he did’nt want to be bothered. we had developed quite the little camaraderie. so much so that when we were shooting the scene where i’m dunking him in the pool, at one point chuck yelled cut, and said to me; “yo scott, you gotta get into character, be more adversarial… it’s obvious that you and bernie are friends and it’s coming through on film.”

the production left new orleans after 1 week of shooting and headed up to milwaukee. after the 2nd week of filming, chuck tells me that a bunch of us (cast & producers) are invited to bernie’s house that weekend, he’s having a big 4^th of july cookout. i was a little confused… we’re in milwaukee, bernie has a house in milwaukee? why??? who the hell would buy a house in milwaukee??? i did’nt realize that milwaukee is only 90 minutes from chicago, bernie's hometown. so, that saturday, me and chuck drive down to chicago. bernie’s house is off of a main road… you just see an opening in a stretch of trees, then at the end of the tree-lined driveway, you come to a clearing, and there sits bernie’s palatial estate. a house that if it were in new york or los angeles, would easily cost 5 million...easily.

his wife greets us at the door and welcomes us into a vestibule... which by itself is the size of a 1 bedroom apartment... if that apartment has 20 ft. ceilings. bernie walks up a minute later and tells us; “angela should be right behind ya’ll, so let’s wait for her then we’ll all go in.” a minute later, angela basset shows up. we’re saying our hello’s when i notice a dude with her carrying some bags. when i turn to see who he is, i blurt out an involuntary; “OH SHIT!!!” startled, he stops in his tracks and gets a nervous “WTF???” look on his face. i had no idea that angela basset was married to courtney b. vance!!! whom you all might know as the DA on “law & order: criminal intent”…and i just happen to be one of the biggest law & order geeks on the planet. i calmly apologize for my outburst and tell him what a huge fan i am. but i digress. bernie and his wife proceed to give us the tour of the house…which was gorgeous. we all go downstairs to his basement / rec-room… which is decked out with a pool table, video games, poker/blackjack table, and a mini movie theater, complete with the chairs, big screen, and surround sound. As i’m walking around checking stuff out, bernie taps me on the shoulder and says; “c’mere, i got something just for you…” he opens the door to his workout room… which is a gross understatement… the man had a fully equipped gym in his basement, with a full line of professional quality equipment. He smiled and said; “have fun” and walked out of the room. i could hear chuck laughing in the background.

(side note… later in the afternoon, i got myself a plate of food and took it out to the deck… sitting alone at the table was a young black girl and white boy… i said hi, introduced myself, and asked who she was to bernie… she told me she was his neice… totally joking, i asked; “the one from the show?” …she sighed and said; “yeah”, like she’s had to admit that 1000 times before… so, i actually got to meet the actual neice!)

there's one conversation in particular that i had with bernie that i’ll never forget…

i was in his den, and all over the walls were photos, magazine & newspaper articles, awards, and all kinds of memorabilia. he came in as i was looking around, and i told him how i used to have all of my articles, photos n’ stuff hung up all around my apartment, but, i took them all down, because my friends would come over and clown me, making fun of my “shrine” to myself. (my buddy chad once said; “the only person i know who has more pictures of himself hung up all over his house is jesus” …which, you have to admit, is REALLY good line) bernie looked at me, he got real serious, and said; “man, fuck them... those are your accomplishments... your memories... you worked hard for those things... you be proud of them... you go home and you hang your pictures back up, boy!” and i did. yeah...fuck them haters.

later that night, bernie gathered us all together… the A&E network had done an episode of their show “biography” about him, and he had an advance copy, so, we all gathered in the basement and watched it on the big movie screen. that was pretty cool.

my last day on set, before i left for the airport, i was in bernie’s trailer, eatin’ chicken wings & watchin’ him play cards with his people.

later that year, sometime in the fall, i called bernie’s cell. i wanted to ask him if he’d hook me up with a role on his sitcom. bernie did’nt answer, his assistant did. when he asked who was calling and i told him it was me, his demeanor changed from all-business to “hey man, what’s up! how you doin’?” we chatted for a second, then he told me; “bernie’s shooting right now, but i’m gonna have him call you back, probably around 5, is that ok?” i said that was fine, and we hung up. now, i’d been in the business long enough to know, the percentage of people who actually call you back when they say they’re gonna call you back is about 30% - 40%. so, i was pretty much expecting not to get a call. i even left the house to run some errands n' stuff. at around 4:45, as i walking down south st., my phone rings. it’s the assistant. he says; “bernie’s gonna call you in 15 minutes, ok?” i was shocked. i mean, i’d heard of this kind of thing before -- where assistants do the “pre-call” -- i’d just never experienced it. i found it to be both very baller and quite amusing at the same time. then, at 4:55, my phone rings again; “bernie’s going to call you in 5 minutes.” and, sho' nuff, at 5 o’clock on the dot, my phone rings, and i hear a familiar voice say; “i hear it’s cold as a witch's titty up there in philadelphia right now…how you keepin’ warm?” we chatted for a good 15 minutes. (which is a LONG time for a busy hollywood player like him) i told him why i was calling, he told me to send him my headshot and he would talk to casting and see if there was an episode they could put me in. (sadly, i did’nt happen, and i don't like bugging people again after i already bugged them once, so i never asked again, i let it go)

i only spoke to bernie a couple times after that. but, i will say this; every time i called him, he always got back to me.

just like everyone else, when i heard he had died, i was shocked. i did’nt believe it. i thought it was a mistake. i called his assistant and asked about arrangements, and where i could send flowers. i knew i would’nt be attending the memorial, because, we'd just had my mother's funeral a couple weeks before bernie passed, so, i had a lot to do back home. whenever i think about it, i still feel kinda bad… i wish i could’ve made it to his memorial and paid my respects. i know i did’nt know him for very long, but, i genuinely liked bernie mac… he was a good dude, and i have nothing but good memories of him.

the time i almost kicked steven segal's ass...

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com


...ok, not really. but kinda.

me and the guys were in LA, along with our manager, mark, making the rounds at TV studios and such. one day while we're in the limo going hither & thither, mark gets a call. he talks for a couple minutes, and when he's done, he informs us that the producer of steven segal's next movie wants us to be in it. he asks if that's something we wanna do. in the immortal words of stone cold steve austin; we gave him a big "hell yeah!!!" so mark instructs the driver to take us to warner brothers studio.

...i always got the biggest kick out of the littlest things.
...i always loved pulling up to the (iconic) gates of those big time hollywood studios, and being waved in by the guard. made me feel all rat-pack like.

...kinda like the time when i was going to LAX. [TANGENT ALERT] it was right around 2001 - 2002, when security was thick. my towncar gets flagged down by one of the m-16 toting soldiers manning the security checkpoint at the border of the airport. the driver rolls down the window to speak with him. the soldier tells him to roll down the back window (presumably, to make sure it was'nt hussein bin laden trying to escape LA). my driver turns and looks at me, i nod. (pretty baller, huh?) he rolls down my window, the soldier walks over, bends down, looks in, sees it's me, smiles, i salute, he walks back over to the driver and tells him "go ahead", then yells up ahead to the other soldiers; "this one's good, let him through!" (now that's EXTRA baller) anyway...back to the story...

we pull into the warner bros. lot, and are directed to our parking space. i get out and immediately take a picture of the water tower with the big WB on it (always makes me think of 'blazing saddles', and 'tiny toons'). we walk into the huge soundstage, we see some people down at the other end doing something. as we watch, we realize it's actors from the movie practicing a fight scene on wires...i could'nt make out who was who, but there was a crew of chinese dudes, and two people in harnesses, and the chinese dudes are working the wires as the 2 dudes work on the fight choreography, flying up & down, back & forth, with a shit ton of mats beneath them. a young female PA comes up and asks us who we are, we tell her, she walks back to the group and talks to this large white dude with long hair. he comes rushing over, yelling; "HEY!!! IT'S THE GUYS!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!" in a very thick russian(?) accent. turns out he's the director - andrzej bartkowiak (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005647/) he's gushing up and down about how much he loves the commercials and how happy he is we came. apparently it was his idea to put us in the movie. as we're talking, the crew practicing the fight wrap up and walk over to where we are. one of them was DMX. now, you gotta understand...this was during the time when "it's dark and hell is hot" and "flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood" were on constant rotation on my walkman (yes, walkman...it was 2001). so meeting him was kind of a thrill...that is, until i met him. first of all, he's short. like 5'8"...maybe 5'9", tops. second of all, he was kinda anti-social. not particularly friendly or congenial. he stood there like a military cadet, hands behind his back, and he answered everything "yes sir" and "no sir". i was mad. this is muthafukin' DMX!!! i want some cursing...i want him to call me nigga, or motherfucker, or something!!! not "sir"!!! when andrzei introduced us and told him who we were, he said he had'nt heard of us or the commercials, in a very stoic, curt manner. which, is fine...i don't give a shit about that...i don't care if people don't recognize me or know who i am. but...and i don't know why...i just got the impression that he was playing us off...like he just did'nt want to admit he'd heard of us. and that annoyed me, on top of everything else. (later, paul & fred also expressed the same sentiments) so, after a couple of minutes of this anti-climactic banter, we excused ourselves to go meet with the producer of the film. andrzei bids us an enthusiastic farewell, saying he's looking forward to working with us. he was kinda awesome. the PA walks us over to the offices. i had no idea what we were walking into, but...our meeting was in the offices of mr. joel silver!!! you know; the guy who produced predator, the matrix, lethal weapon, die hard, etc, etc, etc. in other words; the man. when you walk in, there's a desk on the left and the right where the office girls sit, amidst a sea of props from all his movies, on shelves, hanging on the walls, standing as displays, etc...like; the actual model of the nebuchadnezzar hanging from the ceiling, and the actual predator costume, in all it's 7 ft. glory, standing posed for action. it was SO freakin' cool!!! we did'nt have long to marvel, though, because we were taken back immediately for our meeting. sadly, it was'nt with joel...it was with another producer. (i can't remember his name, but you can imdb the credits and pick the one you think this resembles)

this guy was your stereotypical hollywood character...late 30's(?), brown suit, very loud & boisterous, with a bit of a cocky air about him, sitting behind his desk, with two young, suited execs(?) / assistants(?) standing at his left and his right, both holding clipboards. as the meeting went on, i noticed that they mirrored his every expression, attitude, mood, response. the archetypal "yes men" (except one was girl). so, he greets us in very much the same manner as andrzei. he tells us how much he loves us, and how he wants us to be in his movie. he kinda implies that it was his idea to get us in the movie, and he's got that "how would you boys like that, huh?" undertone to his offer. i immediately feel...some kind of way...about this guy. he then goes on to tell us that this is going to be steven segal's first movie in several years (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0242445/fullcredits#cast), after his last few flops, and this was going to be his "big comeback movie", and he gushed about how great this was going to be and how high their expectations were. (yeah, movie producers really do talk in those stereotypical grandiose terms and with the hperbole you see in movies)

so then, he lays out the role they see us in...
in the opening scene, steven segal's character is in an anger management class. (this concept really cracks our boy up, he thinks it's SO clever and funny...it makes me think it was his idea) when segal comes out of class, he sees some thugs stealing his car. he tries to reason with them calmly, because, you know, anger-management n' stuff, but, the thugs get tough with him, and...well, you know how it ends. he wants us to be the thugs. (the whole time as he's talking, the two assistants(?) / execs(?) stand behind him hanging on every word, laughing and agreeing enthusiastically at all the appropriate places)

he finishes explaining the scene to us, and sits there with a big, self-satisfied grin on his face. we're silent. then, as usual, i'm the first to speak up. the first words out of my mouth were; "so, you offer 3 young black guys a role in your movie, and the only thing you can think of them doing is stealing a car?" he's stunned. he just looks at us, his smile frozen on his face, but the stun clearly registered in his eyes. i look at the two assistants...equally stunned, with a visible hint of panic. then paul chimes in and agrees with me. we start tossing them ideas about how we could do the scene, but in a way less stereotypical (ie; not racist) way. he "listens", then says; "yeah, ok, those are definitely ways we could go...let me think about it...i'll get back to you." and with that, he stands up and shakes our hands goodbye. i immediately knew that i'd blown any chance of us being in the movie. some time later, i apologized to the guys for opening my big mouth. i felt kinda bad for allowing my militant impulses to ruin it for everybody else. they both dismissed it with a wave; "eh, don't even worry about it, that shit was'nt for us anyway." (but, of course, being the dicks that they are, later, after the movie was released, the relentless teasing began..."that was supposed to be us up there, man!!!")

epilogue: (or; just a bit of fun trivia) ...not long after, i was hanging out at a nightclub back home in philly, and my buddy 'big nick', one of my oldest bouncer friends, excitedly tells me he just got a role in a new steven segal movie. i had to laugh. apparently, nick's boss, john, just happened to know someone on the crew, heard they were looking for a big bouncer type, recommended nick, he met with the casting director, and got the part! how cool is that? it was a different scene...he plays one of 2 bouncers in a nightclub that give segal a run for his money. i saw his scene...he was actually really good! (nick's the one who is'nt samoan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5Q2ETtxkgY) on opening night, john bought out all the seats in the local theater and had a private vip showing for all of nick's family & friends. nick was tickled pink to be a rockstar for a night! he's a really great guy, so it was fun to see him get his turn in the spotlight. it's just funny how small a world it is sometimes...how friggin' random is it that a buddy of mine from philly would wind up in the very same movie that i was almost in...

but yeah...i woulda had to take a swing at segal on set...and after i soundly defeated tubby von whispers in an epic battle of kung fu vs. aikido, i woulda cut off that ponytail and wore it as a trophy. i'm jus' sayin'...

"the mirror crack'd"

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com/

...a quickie.
...i just remembered this.

...so, i was at this audition. it was for dr. scholl's...you know, those "are you gellin'?" commercials. anyway, we were auditioning in groups of 5. it was me, 3 other guys, and a girl. they have some lines of dialogue on a cue card. after we slate (ie; say our names to the camera) the casting agent (is it casting "agent" or casting "director", i'm STILL confused about that one) tells us which lines he wants us to read, and to do it in the very relaxed style of the other gellin' commercials. we do our first take. he stops us, and wants us to do it again, but he gives us some notes on how we should do it this time.
here's what he says;

"ok, have you guys seen those budweiser commercials? the ones with those really cool black guys, and they're all saying 'whassup' to each other?"
...the other actors all nod their heads...
"well, try to do it like them...really cool and laid-back...ok?"

...well, i'm just standing there, my eyes darting back & forth, looking at the other actors, and i'm sure i must've had a stupid look on my face. i distinctly remember feeling A) very amused (because here he is literally referencing my commercials, right to my face) and B) kinda confounded (because no one, not even the casting agent, realized it was me in the room with them). so, on the next take, i did my best impersonation of myself. long story short: i got the commercial.



...and no, i never said anything to anyone that day. i just chuckled to myself...and still do whenever i remember that.

...the shoot was a couple days before christmas. we shot on location at the stock exchange building right across the street from ground zero...from our dressing room window you could look right into the big hole. that was humbling, and awe-inspiring.
...the shoot lasted from 7am til midnight, which is a LONG day...and yet, those fuckers did'nt even give us free dr. scholl's to wear!!! i mean c'mon...at least throw the principal actors a free pair, for chrissake! you know, so we could get into character, or something! (but, on the bright side; overtime pay!!! *cha-ching*)
...my fellow actor (the guy next to me in the pic, i won't name names), well, he was a bit of a grumpy pants that day. he did'nt wanna say the lines the way the director & client wanted him to. so, after a few takes doing it "his way", the director gave me one of his lines. yeah...awkward. but he knew it was coming. he said to me at one point; "i think they're gettin' pissed at me." to which i just nodded. when we broke for dinner, a cute young lady in a business suit pulled me to the side. she introduced herself as one of the execs from dr. scholl's. she told me she was a fan, and she thanked me for doing such a great job...then she griped a little about the other guy's work & attitude, and how the other execs & producers were all kinda baffled about why he was being so difficult. i did'nt wanna bash a fellow actor, so just politely smiled & nodded. but, i gotta tell ya', i'll never understand the actors who take commercial gigs, then wanna get bitchy & moody about their "artistic integrity"...dude, it's a tv commercial for rubber insoles, not a goddamn soderbergh film.
...the girl in the commercial is andrea rosen, of whom i am a big fan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SLLOwx0ZDU


(epilogue: the commercial ran for a year, which is a really long time for most tv commercials, then i got the release letter from my agency stating dr. scholl's would'nt be using it anymore -- except -- a few months later, people started telling me; "hey, i just saw your commercial today!" -- and then -- i started seeing it myself...so, of course i called my agency and told them to find out why dr. scholl's was using the commercial again without renewing the contract, or paying any residuals...well, after a couple of weeks of getting the runaround, dr. scholl's finally admitted "a mistake was made", and cut a check...it was only an "estimate" based on how many times i could "prove" it aired, but it was something...my agent told me it happens a lot, and trying to sue them for the whole amount i was due would be more costly than it's worth, so take the money and just chalk it up to experience...and i'm sure that's why it happens so often, because companies count on the fact that agents/actors won't want to spend all of the time/effort/resources necessary to recover the money owed, and they can get away with getting it cheap, or even free if they never get caught...dr. scholl's pulled the spots soon after that and never aired them again...i told my agent to contact the other actors in the spot to let them know they were owed some money, too...and this was my first experience with major corporations trying to shaft actors for money, and get away with using your work for free...guess i blew my chances at getting any future dr. scholl's work, huh?)

...sometimes you just gotta say; "WTF???"

originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com/

…I’m kinda reluctant to tell this story, because I don’t know if the main character had a significant other at the time, and if by some random chance this gets out into the ether, he might be in a little trouble. lemme go google his relationship history, see if I can coordinate the dates, and get back to you…

…ok, according to my research, he was single, so it’s safe.
…it was summer 2003. we were on location in new orleans, shooting mr. 3000. It was the 1st or 2nd day of shooting. That night, most of the cast decides to meet up on burboun st. for a little revelry. I roll with my boy chuck (director) and his two buddies shane and doug (DP and camerman). Our first stop was a little shrimp shack for pre-drinking eats. This was notable because it was the first time I ever heard a now infamous term. We were sitting at the counter, there was a group of young college-ish guys sitting at a table behind us. Then, four 40-ish chicks came sauntering in… tan, war paint, hairdos, miniskirts, high heels, cleavage galore... the whole lisa rinna starter kit. They were blatantly on the prowl. They immediately close in on the young guys, pull up chairs from adjacent tables and literally surround them. I got a real chuckle out of this. I nudged chuck, who turns and looks, chuckles, and casually says; “yeah, varsity cougars.” I roared with laughter. It was SO perfect in it’s descriptiveness. Of course, these days it’s a widely recognized syndrome and everyone uses the term…except “varsity” got dropped...which is a shame, because varsity adds that extra touch of poignancy to it.

…we leave the shrimp shack and meet up with everyone else at some predetermined corner on burboun st. There was about 15 of us, most of the main cast. (except bernie mac…he never went out or partied, he always stayed in his hotel…”the best way to avoid any trouble”, he later told me) As we strolled down the middle of burboun st. to our next destination, amongst our ranks were two notables; chris noth, aka; “mr. big”, and evan jones, aka; “cheddar bob” from “8 mile”, which was still hot at that time. And I found it quite amusing how the female fans broke down into 2 distinct camps. All of the females 25 and up were screaming “OH MY GOD, MR. BIG!!! MR BIG!!!”, while all of the females under 25 were screaming; “OH SHIT! IT’S CHEDDAR BOB!!!” …as they both got mobbed by dozens of hot chicks. And they were both VERY gracious about signing autographs and taking pics, and getting strangled as girls grabbed their necks the way girls do when they wanna reach up/pull you down to give you a kiss. Eventually we arrive at our first stop; the penthouse club. The stage was a U shape, and we took up all the seats at the top of the stage. I was sitting at the tip of the U, smack dab in the middle. We’re having a good ol’ time. We're there maybe 20 min. when, from out of nowhere, I feel someone push me in my back, kinda hard. I spin around in my chair, look up, and see some average looking, mid-20’s, casey-siemaszko-looking white dude. Over the loud music I can’t hear what he's saying, but he’s mean-mugging and gesturing like he’s really pissed off at me. And it's obvious he's had a few cocktails. Now, I have never seen this cat before in my life, so, I have no clue what his deal is. So, he’s standing there raging at me, and I'm still sitting, just kinda curiously looking at him, but not feeling particularly threatened, because…honestly, I did’nt think I’d have any problem handling the lil’ fella. Suddenly, chuck leaps up from his chair, shoves the guy full force in the chest and bellows; “YO! BACK UP OFF MY BOY!!!” Almost immediately, amaury jumps up and has chuck’s back. Unbeknownst to us, the drunk dude had buddies there…they see what’s going down and rush over. Well, the next thing I know, d’ondre is leaping over me, then ian jumps up…pretty soon, most of the cast were up in this dude’s face. I'm still sitting in my chair. Kinda stunned, and touched, by this outpouring of manly support. Ian, with his deep bass voice, was trying to talk the guys away, stepping inbetween everyone and telling the dude & his buddies to walk away. Finally I stand up and walk up to the dude, who’s being held back by his buddies. I can now hear that they’re all saying; “we’re sorry, we’re sorry, our friend is drunk, we’re leaving!” (which has always baffled me…I saw this phenomenion A LOT in my days as a bouncer; guys who assert forcefully; “ok, ok, just leave me alone, I’m going!!!”, and yet, they just stand there, not leaving…I don’t get that) so I say to them; “well then leave! Why are you still standing here? Take your boy and get outta here before I take him out!” Finally they back out of the club, carrying dude, who’s still gesturing and mean-mugging at me. To this day I have no idea who he was or why he wanted a piece of me. We all stood there watching them walk out, and few beats later, “security” comes walking over. A tubby bastard, about 6’ with a mullet and bad facial hair, and a skinny kid, about 5’9”, 160 lbs., with a buzz cut and freckles. (or acne…it was dark) “everything alright over here?”, the tubby bastard asks…and he could’nt've been more nonchalant if he tried. We all barked at them; “yeah! Because WE handled it! But thanks, security.” They just kinda shrugged and strolled away. We sat back down and continued our fun. Soon, we decided to hit another spot.

…there was this bar right off of burboun st. that a few of them knew about & liked, so, we broke off into 2 camps, and half of us went to that bar. We were’nt in there long when chuck bumped into this really cute asian chick who worked on the crew, and started chatting her up. So, I’m just hanging back, sipping on my coke, letting him do his thing. I get a tap on my shoulder. I turn and it’s chris noth. Quickly and quietly he says in my ear; “help me out”, then, with his arm around my shoulder, presents me to two young blondes standing at the bar. Twins. “ladies, do you know my friend, scott? Scott, this is rebecca and theresa” (I’m totally making those names up) He then shoves me toward theresa and says; “why don’t you two talk”, as he turns and focuses on rebecca. I instantly get with the program, snap into my role as wing-man and start chatting up theresa. So, we’re chillin’ at the bar, having a pleasant little conversation…she’s telling me all about how she’s pre-med at some university and they’re in new orleans for vacation, blah blah blah. All of a sudden, a realization hits me like a bolt of lightning… “scott, you’re in a bar, in new orleans, playing wing-man for ‘mr. big’…with blonde twins!!! How in the fuck did this happen???“ But, I maintained my composure and continued with my duties.

…that was definitely one of those “pinch me” moments in life.

(how did that story end? None of your goddamn business, that’s how)