...why ya'll gotta be all shady n' shit?

The first “whassup!” commercial aired on december 20th, 1999, during Monday Night Football.  

(funny thing is; I had no idea the commercials had started airing, until the phone started ringing that night…and everybody that called said the same thing; “dude, there’s this guy in this commercial who looks just like you!” …no one thought it was actually me …probably because I did’nt tell anyone, outside of a handful of close friends, that I had shot the commercials …I felt like this: the fewer who knew, the fewer I would have to explain to if it all went wrong, know what I mean?)

By january, we were already becoming famous.   And I knew there was an opportunity to parlay this into more.   So, I wanted to get an agent.   Since I did’nt know anyone, I turned to jodi collins, the casting agent who cast the commercials.   She was so kind and helpful.   She asked; “just you, or do all the guys want agents too?”   paul did’nt seem very interested, but fred was.   Jodi set us up with 4 or 5 NYC talent agents, she called and set up appointments, put in the good word, n’ everything.   Me and fred went up to NYC on a Monday and went over to jodi’s office where she gave us the info and some pointers…we did’nt even have headshots or anything, so, she took a couple of photos she had from our audition, and sent us to a nearby kinko’s so we could make copies.   She really went the extra mile for us.   We hit all 5 agencies that day, I think all of them would’ve signed us (we were that hot at the time).   Eventually I chose to go with CED (now; CESD)…I really just liked their vibe, particularly carrie morgan, the woman in my interview who seemed to do most of the talking.   Now, at the time, I had no clue they were the number 1 commercial agency in the business, or that carrie was their top agent.   I just liked them.   I was so naïve, I actually called them up the next day and said; “ok, I’ll sign with you guys” …not even realizing I was supposed to wait for them to call me.   carrie just chuckled, and agreed.

              ...i wish she had never retired, the business was'nt the same without her...

The next thing I had to do was join SAG (screen actors guild – the union for actors).   When you work as an actor, if you build up a certain amount of credits, you’re eligible to join SAG, and, if you keep getting work, you have to join…unless you want to relegate your career to non-union work. (ie; low-budget, low pay, crappy, “independent” stuff)   They’re like the mafia in that way….”pay us a cut, or you’ll never work in this town again.”

As luck would have it, in april 2000 there was a major SAG and WGA strike (writer’s guild of america – the union for writers).   So all worked stopped.   No new TV shows, movies, or commercials could be shot.   So, 4 mos. into our career, we were stalled.   Thank god we were so famous and had a full schedule of personal appearances around the country, otherwise we would’nt have been able to work or make money until the strike ended -- which ended up being in september -- 6 mos later.

It was during this time that we got a call from walter… the budweiser exec handling our campaign.   He told us that they wanted to offer us a deal… they wanted us to go to canada, and shoot a new commercial, and they would pay us $100,000 each.   For whatever reason, I immediately smelled a rat.   I called carrie, I told her what was up.   Her first question was; “will this new commercial be used only in canada, or do they intend to show it here in the states?”   I asked why, and she told me; SAG laws do not apply in other countries, so we could go to other countries and shoot new stuff, BUT, only if those commercials only aired in foreign markets, not america.   She said SAG was VERY strict about enforcing the rules…she said they have people who do nothing but watch “hi-profile celebrities” -- like us -- and make sure they don’t try to sneak off and do work under the radar (ie; try and claim “we shot this before the strike”).   She told us the story about shaquile o’neal; how he had just gotten in a lot of hot water for shooting a TV spot during the strike, and they threatened to blackball him from the union, which means he would’nt be allowed to make any more TV commercials or movies or anything…ever.   Instead, he agreed to pay a huge fine (several hundred thousand, I believe).   And we were new, we did’nt have shaq’s clout…if we got blackballed, they would'nt have cut us that same slack. (hell, we probably would've had to use that $100k just to pay fines)

  

I forget what city we were in, but, I called a meeting with the guys.   We got together in paul’s hotel room, I told them what carrie said.   We called the front desk and had a speakerphone brought up to the room, and I called carrie.   I put her on speaker, and she explained the situation to all of us.   Now, this is how cool carrie was… the industry was on strike, there was no new work coming in, so she was’nt getting any commission, and she was’nt paul or fred’s agent, BUT, she still took the time to talk to all of us and give us career advice.   Carrie was the best.   After that call, we all agreed I would talk to walter and see what he said.

That monday I called walter.   And I asked him straight out; “if we shoot this commercial, will you guys sign something stating you will only show it in canada, or other foreign markets?”   There was a long pause.   Then he said; “dook…I can’t promise you that once they have it, they won’t air it in america.”   That’s all I needed to hear.   I told him I would not shoot the commercial.   I immediately called paul & fred and told them what he said.   They both agreed they would’nt shoot it either.   And we never did.   And, oh boy…was Anheuser-Bush ever SALTY.*   But, whatever.

You see, nobody knew how long this strike was going to be, and A-B was shitting itself because it could’nt make new ads, so they figured they’d wave this big money deal in our faces, and we’d jump at it, never reading “the fine print”…and if I had’nt talked to my agent, we never would’ve known, and we would’ve been in big trouble, and possibly ended any potential for a career in the business.   And the thing is; they had to know this...they just did’nt care...all they cared about was getting a new commercial.   Walter's response said to me; they always knew they were going to show the commercial in america, they were just gonna try and sneak it in through the back door, and not tell us.   Ok, so, let’s say we did’nt know better and took the deal… eventually, the day would come when budweiser would end the campaign, no more “whassup!”… after they dicked us over, when they did’nt have any use for us anymore, would they have taken care of us?   Nope.   So, we had to do what was in our own best interest.   Sure, an extra $100,000 in my pocket would’ve been awesome…but, it's 10 years later, that money would've been spent long ago, at least now i can still work.   Know what i'm sayin'?

*A-B was notorious for doing this kind of thing… from day one, they wanted to control us and have exclusive access to us.   There were multiple instances of TV shows, producers, and casting people calling A-B (we did’nt have a manager yet, so people would call them to get in touch with us), but A-B would turn them down, without telling us, because they wanted us to do a week of bar appearances in some podunk city.   They only wanted us doing the TV shows they wanted us to do.   They did’nt want us to have any kind of career outside of them.   They tried to get us to sign an exclusive deal with them, but, our manager read it and strongly advised against signing it…he said; “basically, they will own you, you won’t be able to do anything except budweiser stuff.”   We eventually agreed to sign a limited deal, which allowed us a lot more freedom.   There were a couple times when they actually had meetings about me, and I got in trouble, because I chose to go host a TV show or something, rather than make appearances for them. (that’s why there are 2 or 3 commercials that only feature paul & fred, because i was “on punishment”…they really had a shit fit when i went on howard stern!!!)   When we were on oprah, backstage before the show, paul was saying how he wanted to cut his hair; and one of the bud execs “joked”; “oh no, you can’t cut that hair, we own that hair.”   None of us thought it was funny.   That’s mainly why I eventually chose to pull out and not do promotional appearances anymore…I was burned out from the constant travel, and I was tired of them trying to make us their bitch.   And they kind of had to put me back in the commercials, because too many people were asking; “uh, where’s dookie?”   Yes, I am grateful for the opportunity they gave us by casting us in their commercials, but, that did not give them the right to dictate what we did with our fame, and our lives.   Ok, well, except for that morals clause…they could dictate that stuff…

    

Now I see how it happens…

As I write this, a new story comes out every day about Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes, and how they’re acting like demented, ultra-spoiled super-brats.   And this is’nt new… celebrities acting like mega-divas is as old as the entertainment industry.   And yet, every time I hear one of these stories, I still wonder; “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???”   How does this happen?   How does a person just all of a sudden start acting like this… like they can do anything they want, say anything they want, and get anything they want - and what’s even more disturbing; they behave as if they’re entitled to it!!! (the out-of-control sense of entitlement is what really makes me want to choke them)

But, from my brief time as a celebrity, I started to see how it could happen.   How, if you already have an ego or a sense of entitilement, show-business can grossly over-inflate it… if you already have demanding, bossy tendencies, show-business can nurture and perpetuate those tendencies… if you already have any brattiness in you, show-business can turn you into a major dickhead.   And I could see it because; I got to experience some of those “perks” you get when you’re famous.

The first time it happened was on the set of the very first commercial.  

We were in-between takes, I was sitting on that couch waiting for the crew to set-up the lighting for the next shot, and my nose starts to close up (I have bad allergies).   I looked for my afrin, and was dismayed to discover I forgot to bring it.   I was going to try and suffer through it, but, it got really bad, and I knew it was going to affect my voice.   So, I turn to the person nearest me wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard (*I now know he was the 2^nd A.D. – assistant director), and I said to him; “on the way in here, I noticed a table set up with snacks and asprin n’ stuff (*I now know it’s called the 'craft-service table') and I was wondering if maybe they had some afrin or something like it?”   Without a word, he gets on his radio and asks for craft-services and asks them if they have afrin.   Well, I gotta tell, I was impressed.   He looks back down at me and says; “sorry, they don’t have any…I can send someone to the store to get you some.”   I said; “no, no, no, I don’t want to be a bother.”   He said; “it’s not a bother, what kind do you need?”   Again, I protest; “no really, I don’t want you to go through all that trouble.”   Then he gets this annoyed look on his face, lets out a heavy sigh, and says very sternly; “Look, you need it, don’t you? Tell me what kind and I’ll send someone to the drugstore!”   At that point I surrender and tell him what I need.   Without a word, he gets on his radio and locates one of the P.A.’s (*production assistant) and instructs him to take a van and go to the nearest duane reade (*drug store) and get my afrin.   I gotta tell ya’… it felt… weird.   I have never had anyone wait on me hand-and-foot before.   And to be honest, I was’nt altogether comfortable with it.   I have always been of the mind; if I can do it myself, then I will… I hate asking anyone to go out of their way for me (I won’t even bother waitresses in restaurants if they forget something or if my meal is a little wrong).   But then, he said something to me that made sense; “if your nose is closed shut, you can’t be at your best, and we can’t allow you to leave the set because we don’t know when we’ll be ready to go again, plus you might get your wardrobe dirty, and we’re on the clock, so we can’t afford any delays, so, we have people who will do those things for you…it’s their job.”   Which kinda made it a little better.   And, of course, my mind immediately goes to the dark side; “hhmmm… well, you know, I would be MUCH happier and my performance would be GREATLY enhanced if I had a big piece of chocolate cake right now…”   He looks at me and says; "you want a piece of cake?" "NO! NO! NO! i was just kidding!", I blurt out.   With a straight face he just turns away from me and continues doing his job...he does'nt have time for my foolishness.

Then there was the time I was shooting a pilot for a new show I was hosting.   On the first day of shooting, the producers are introducing me to the crew… director, cameraman, sound guy, etc.   Then he comes to this lady - about 40, kinda butch, in cargo shorts and trail shoes – and he says; “and this is your assistant.”   Wait… what?   My what?   “your assistant, she’ll be your personal assistant during the shoot.”   Ok, now, when we were first discussing the shoot, and they were asking me what I wanted/needed, I remember agreeing to a wardrobe person, and a make-up person… I do not remember agreeing to an assistant.   And that’s definitely something I would’ve remembered... and probably turned-down.   (oh, yeah, that’s another thing... when you’re a real big shot, you’re allowed to ask for all kinds of stuff, like; what you want in your trailer/dressing room, what kind of meals you want, any special requests, etc, etc... the only request i ever make is; coca-cola - enough for the whole shoot)

                           ...in Florida for a TV shoot, got to my hotel room, opened up the mini-fridge...

So, now I feel really weird and awkward.   I think I felt some kind of misguided empathy for the woman, like, it must be humiliating… to be someone’s personal slave.    So, I set about not using her at all, for anything.   And she was really nice, it was’nt anything personal, I just thought I was doing her a favor by leaving her alone.   If I wanted water, I’d walk over and get it… she’d be right there.   If I needed a towel, I go get one… she’d be right there.   She was always right there, right behind me, asking if she could do anything for me.   There was this one time when I wanted to ask Ben something (our producer/director).   We were shooting on a high school football field, he was in the middle of the field, I was over by the bleachers.   So I trotted to the fence, hopped the fence, and began jogging toward Ben.   I don’t remember why I looked behind me, but I did, and I saw my assistant struggling to hop over the fence too, clumsily getting all caught up, then recovering and trotting toward me.   So, I stared walking back toward her, and I yelled; “Stop!”, so she stopped, panting, a little out of breath.   I asked her what the hell was wrong with her, why was she doing this.   And she said to me; “This is my job. I work as a personal assisstant. And if you don’t let me do anything, then they’re going to think they don’t need me, and I’ll be fired from this gig…so please, let me do my job.”   I felt like a piece of shit.   I thought I was sparing her humiliation and hard work, and all I was really doing was making her feel bad and look useless.   From that point on, she was doing all my fetching for me. (it still felt kinda weird, though)   

Then there was that one time when I felt like I had really crossed a line.

So, I was in either Vegas or LA, I can’t remember which, shooting an episode of this other TV show I was hosting.   Now, there’s something about me that all of my close friends know; I am one hairy muthafuka.   And yes, that includes my back.   Usually, I try to hit my back every couple weeks, just to keep it from getting to long, because, it gets SUPER itchy… and I mean distractingly, annoyingly itchy.   But, before i left for this gig, I forgot to hit my back.   And it’s getting really, really itchy.   It was about an hour before I was supposed to be on set, I call the producer and say; “Listen…I really hate to ask this, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I kinda need a weird favor.”   She says; “what do you need?”   I say; “I would never ask this, it’s kind of gross, but it’s a major pain in my ass, and it would really help if…”, she cuts me off and says; “What??? What do you need? Just ask me!”   “Do you think the make-up girl would come up here and [long pause] …shave my back?”   “Absolutely, not a problem, I’ll send her right up.”   Wow.   That was friggin easy!   About 5 min later there’s a knock on my door.   It’s the make-up girl (technically, she’s the “hair and make-up girl”).   “Hi, Hon! So you need a touch-up?”, she laughs, already got her clippers out.   She’s been the hair/make-up chick for all the episodes so I know her pretty well, and we get along great, she's pretty awesome.   I start apologizing again for making her do something so gross.   “oh please…this is nothing, I do this all the time!”, she says, then goes on to tell me about some of the REALLY gross shit she’s been asked to do (like; pop zits and dig out ingrown hairs with a needle, n’ stuff).   After she was done, she even gave me a soothing, cooling alcohol rub… oh my god.   She said it was to prevent razor burn.   I did’nt give a shit why she did it… it felt heavenly.

(I already told the story about how my limo got to breeze right through airport security at LAX back around 2001 when the military had it on complete lockdown, because the soldier looked in the back and saw it was me and waved me through… I think it’s in one of my past blogs)

...VIP status, that's how I roll...

And I’m sure these stories pale in comparison to what other, really big stars could tell.   But, that’s kind of my point... if this is the kind of stuff that happened to me, at my level, I can totally see how certain people (ie; egomaniacal dickheads) can become so spoiled and so entitled when they get to those higher levels of fame & power.   I’m not saying I condone it, or forgive it, I’m just saying I see how it happens...