originally posted @ http://scottmartinbrooks.blogspot.com
...ok, not really. but kinda.
me and the guys were in LA, along with our manager, mark, making the rounds at TV studios and such. one day while we're in the limo going hither & thither, mark gets a call. he talks for a couple minutes, and when he's done, he informs us that the producer of steven segal's next movie wants us to be in it. he asks if that's something we wanna do. in the immortal words of stone cold steve austin; we gave him a big "hell yeah!!!" so mark instructs the driver to take us to warner brothers studio.
...i always got the biggest kick out of the littlest things.
...i always loved pulling up to the (iconic) gates of those big time hollywood studios, and being waved in by the guard. made me feel all rat-pack like.
...kinda like the time when i was going to LAX. [TANGENT ALERT] it was right around 2001 - 2002, when security was thick. my towncar gets flagged down by one of the m-16 toting soldiers manning the security checkpoint at the border of the airport. the driver rolls down the window to speak with him. the soldier tells him to roll down the back window (presumably, to make sure it was'nt hussein bin laden trying to escape LA). my driver turns and looks at me, i nod. (pretty baller, huh?) he rolls down my window, the soldier walks over, bends down, looks in, sees it's me, smiles, i salute, he walks back over to the driver and tells him "go ahead", then yells up ahead to the other soldiers; "this one's good, let him through!" (now that's EXTRA baller) anyway...back to the story...
we pull into the warner bros. lot, and are directed to our parking space. i get out and immediately take a picture of the water tower with the big WB on it (always makes me think of 'blazing saddles', and 'tiny toons'). we walk into the huge soundstage, we see some people down at the other end doing something. as we watch, we realize it's actors from the movie practicing a fight scene on wires...i could'nt make out who was who, but there was a crew of chinese dudes, and two people in harnesses, and the chinese dudes are working the wires as the 2 dudes work on the fight choreography, flying up & down, back & forth, with a shit ton of mats beneath them. a young female PA comes up and asks us who we are, we tell her, she walks back to the group and talks to this large white dude with long hair. he comes rushing over, yelling; "HEY!!! IT'S THE GUYS!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!" in a very thick russian(?) accent. turns out he's the director - andrzej bartkowiak (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005647/) he's gushing up and down about how much he loves the commercials and how happy he is we came. apparently it was his idea to put us in the movie. as we're talking, the crew practicing the fight wrap up and walk over to where we are. one of them was DMX. now, you gotta understand...this was during the time when "it's dark and hell is hot" and "flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood" were on constant rotation on my walkman (yes, walkman...it was 2001). so meeting him was kind of a thrill...that is, until i met him. first of all, he's short. like 5'8"...maybe 5'9", tops. second of all, he was kinda anti-social. not particularly friendly or congenial. he stood there like a military cadet, hands behind his back, and he answered everything "yes sir" and "no sir". i was mad. this is muthafukin' DMX!!! i want some cursing...i want him to call me nigga, or motherfucker, or something!!! not "sir"!!! when andrzei introduced us and told him who we were, he said he had'nt heard of us or the commercials, in a very stoic, curt manner. which, is fine...i don't give a shit about that...i don't care if people don't recognize me or know who i am. but...and i don't know why...i just got the impression that he was playing us off...like he just did'nt want to admit he'd heard of us. and that annoyed me, on top of everything else. (later, paul & fred also expressed the same sentiments) so, after a couple of minutes of this anti-climactic banter, we excused ourselves to go meet with the producer of the film. andrzei bids us an enthusiastic farewell, saying he's looking forward to working with us. he was kinda awesome. the PA walks us over to the offices. i had no idea what we were walking into, but...our meeting was in the offices of mr. joel silver!!! you know; the guy who produced predator, the matrix, lethal weapon, die hard, etc, etc, etc. in other words; the man. when you walk in, there's a desk on the left and the right where the office girls sit, amidst a sea of props from all his movies, on shelves, hanging on the walls, standing as displays, etc...like; the actual model of the nebuchadnezzar hanging from the ceiling, and the actual predator costume, in all it's 7 ft. glory, standing posed for action. it was SO freakin' cool!!! we did'nt have long to marvel, though, because we were taken back immediately for our meeting. sadly, it was'nt with joel...it was with another producer. (i can't remember his name, but you can imdb the credits and pick the one you think this resembles)
this guy was your stereotypical hollywood character...late 30's(?), brown suit, very loud & boisterous, with a bit of a cocky air about him, sitting behind his desk, with two young, suited execs(?) / assistants(?) standing at his left and his right, both holding clipboards. as the meeting went on, i noticed that they mirrored his every expression, attitude, mood, response. the archetypal "yes men" (except one was girl). so, he greets us in very much the same manner as andrzei. he tells us how much he loves us, and how he wants us to be in his movie. he kinda implies that it was his idea to get us in the movie, and he's got that "how would you boys like that, huh?" undertone to his offer. i immediately feel...some kind of way...about this guy. he then goes on to tell us that this is going to be steven segal's first movie in several years (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0242445/fullcredits#cast), after his last few flops, and this was going to be his "big comeback movie", and he gushed about how great this was going to be and how high their expectations were. (yeah, movie producers really do talk in those stereotypical grandiose terms and with the hperbole you see in movies)
so then, he lays out the role they see us in...
in the opening scene, steven segal's character is in an anger management class. (this concept really cracks our boy up, he thinks it's SO clever and funny...it makes me think it was his idea) when segal comes out of class, he sees some thugs stealing his car. he tries to reason with them calmly, because, you know, anger-management n' stuff, but, the thugs get tough with him, and...well, you know how it ends. he wants us to be the thugs. (the whole time as he's talking, the two assistants(?) / execs(?) stand behind him hanging on every word, laughing and agreeing enthusiastically at all the appropriate places)
he finishes explaining the scene to us, and sits there with a big, self-satisfied grin on his face. we're silent. then, as usual, i'm the first to speak up. the first words out of my mouth were; "so, you offer 3 young black guys a role in your movie, and the only thing you can think of them doing is stealing a car?" he's stunned. he just looks at us, his smile frozen on his face, but the stun clearly registered in his eyes. i look at the two assistants...equally stunned, with a visible hint of panic. then paul chimes in and agrees with me. we start tossing them ideas about how we could do the scene, but in a way less stereotypical (ie; not racist) way. he "listens", then says; "yeah, ok, those are definitely ways we could go...let me think about it...i'll get back to you." and with that, he stands up and shakes our hands goodbye. i immediately knew that i'd blown any chance of us being in the movie. some time later, i apologized to the guys for opening my big mouth. i felt kinda bad for allowing my militant impulses to ruin it for everybody else. they both dismissed it with a wave; "eh, don't even worry about it, that shit was'nt for us anyway." (but, of course, being the dicks that they are, later, after the movie was released, the relentless teasing began..."that was supposed to be us up there, man!!!")
epilogue: (or; just a bit of fun trivia) ...not long after, i was hanging out at a nightclub back home in philly, and my buddy 'big nick', one of my oldest bouncer friends, excitedly tells me he just got a role in a new steven segal movie. i had to laugh. apparently, nick's boss, john, just happened to know someone on the crew, heard they were looking for a big bouncer type, recommended nick, he met with the casting director, and got the part! how cool is that? it was a different scene...he plays one of 2 bouncers in a nightclub that give segal a run for his money. i saw his scene...he was actually really good! (nick's the one who is'nt samoan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5Q2ETtxkgY) on opening night, john bought out all the seats in the local theater and had a private vip showing for all of nick's family & friends. nick was tickled pink to be a rockstar for a night! he's a really great guy, so it was fun to see him get his turn in the spotlight. it's just funny how small a world it is sometimes...how friggin' random is it that a buddy of mine from philly would wind up in the very same movie that i was almost in...
but yeah...i woulda had to take a swing at segal on set...and after i soundly defeated tubby von whispers in an epic battle of kung fu vs. aikido, i woulda cut off that ponytail and wore it as a trophy. i'm jus' sayin'...
